The Block I Fought Wasn’t My Enemy

Hitting the Wall

We’ve all felt it - the block.

It shows up in different ways. For one man, it was walking into the pub on a Tuesday night, pint in hand, wondering how he ended up here again after swearing on Sunday that he was “done.”

For another, it was the shame of closing his wardrobe doors fast, pretending the silky clothes hanging there weren’t his. He told himself it was “just a phase,” something to fight, something to bury.

For others, the block looks like a betting slip, an empty packet, or a secret browser tab.

Different behaviours, same story: an inner wall you keep running into. You tell yourself to smash through it, fight it, deny it. But the more you push, the stronger it becomes.

Here’s the truth: the block you’ve been fighting isn’t your enemy. It’s a misunderstood part of you, waving a flag, begging to be noticed.

The Pint That Wasn’t About the Pint

Take Mark, for example. He’s the man who poured the last glass of wine down the sink on Sunday, declaring to his wife, “That’s it. Fresh start.” By Tuesday, he was back at the bar.

He hated himself for it. He thought the drink was the enemy. But the drink wasn’t the real problem, it was a solution. A clumsy one, yes, but a solution nonetheless.

That pint wasn’t just a pint. It was relief from the heavy silence in his chest. It was a shield against his own anxious thoughts. It was a warm buzz in a world that felt cold.

The drink was his protector. Outdated, maladaptive, and damaging, sure. But it had once kept him safe.

The Secret Wardrobe

Now take Alex. On the outside, he looked like he had it all together; steady job, solid relationship, gym routine. But behind closed doors, he was haunted by a secret: he loved wearing women’s clothes.

For years, Alex fought this part of himself. He’d throw everything out, swear off it, only to buy more weeks later. Each cycle left him drowning in guilt.

He thought the clothes were the enemy. But just like the pint, they weren’t. They were comfort. Softness. A playful, sensual part of him that he had buried under shame.

The block here wasn’t the act of dressing. The block was the wall of secrecy and judgment he’d built around it.

The Strange Logic of Self-Sabotage

Here’s the pattern:

• The drinker isn’t weak. He’s self-medicating.

• The gambler isn’t reckless. He’s chasing aliveness.

• The dresser isn’t “strange.” He’s reaching for softness, identity, comfort.

  
  

Every so-called enemy is really a protector. A badly trained one, perhaps. But a protector nonetheless.

It’s like your body limping to protect a sprained ankle. Clumsy, awkward, unsustainable, but it kept you moving.

The problem isn’t that these blocks exist. The problem is that we fight them instead of listening.

Why Suppression Fails

Most people try to bulldoze the block.

Mark swore off drinking, only to relapse harder. Alex bagged up his clothes, only to buy them back in secret.The gambler deleted his betting app, only to reinstall it at 2 a.m.

Suppression always backfires. Why? Because the block isn’t just “bad behaviour.” It’s a part of you. Slam the door on it, and it just bangs louder.

It’s like ignoring a sourdough starter bubbling on the counter. Screw the lid on tight, and it doesn’t stop. It ferments faster, spills over, and makes a bigger mess.

Integration: The Forgotten Ingredient

So if fighting doesn’t work, what does?

Integration.

Integration means recognising that the block isn’t your enemy. It’s an exiled part of you that needs a seat at the table. Not so it can take over, but so it can be understood, softened, and woven back into the whole.

It’s like baking sourdough: flour, water, salt, starter. Too much starter, and it overpowers. Too much salt, and nothing rises. But balance them, stretch them, give them time, and you create something nourishing.

Or like running: lungs burn, legs ache, mind screams “stop.” But sync breath, stride, and rhythm — suddenly the struggle becomes flow.

Integration is that sync — in your inner life.

Two Paths of Integration

Here’s where most people get lost: not every block is integrated the same way. There are two broad paths:

1. Unhealthy Coping Strategies (like drinking, gambling, porn)

• These are destructive when indulged.

• Integration tactic: observe the urge without feeding it.

  • Sit with it. Notice where it lives in your body.

  • Ask: What is this protecting me from?

  • Redirect the energy into something healthier (a run, a bake, a call).

• You don’t immerse in the pint. You listen to the craving and let it teach you.

2. Healthy-but-Shame-Loaded Parts (like dressing)

• These aren’t destructive, they only feel destructive because of the shame society slaps on them.

• Integration tactic: immerse until neutral.

  • Keep dressing until your mind stops treating it as forbidden.

  • Stay with it even through the old “afterglow guilt,” until the charge dissolves.

  • Normalise it as part of you.

• You don’t suppress softness. You embrace it until it no longer feels dangerous.

  
  

When the Block Is Destructive

Back to Mark at the pub. His block was alcohol. Integration didn’t mean giving in to the pint. It meant pausing before pouring. Sitting with the urge. Naming the tightness in his chest, the restlessness in his hands. Asking: What am I really craving right now?

Maybe it was connection. Maybe it was relief from the endless voice in his head.

When he stopped seeing the pint as the enemy and started listening to what it was protecting, the block softened. The craving lost its grip.

When the Block Is Shame

And then Alex with the dressing. His block wasn’t alcohol or a slot machine. His block was the shame.

Integration didn’t mean throwing the clothes out again. It meant wearing them without secrecy. Letting them lose their charge. Staying dressed long enough to feel the softness become comfort instead of guilt.

For him, integration was immersion. The block wasn’t the clothes. The block was the belief that he wasn’t allowed to feel softness.

The Cost of Fighting Yourself

Whether it’s the drinker or the dresser, fighting the block costs everything.

Every relapse chips away at self-worth. Every purge feeds shame. Every cycle deepens the trench.

And shame? Shame is rocket fuel for the very behaviour you’re trying to escape.

It’s like running a marathon dragging a sack of bricks. You can stagger forward, but eventually you collapse.

Or baking bread without mixing properly - one lump ruins the whole loaf.

Integration in Practice

Here’s how it looks when you stop fighting and start integrating:

• The drinker learns to sit with the urge, breathe through it, and find relief in running, baking, or connection instead of numbing.

• The dresser learns to wear the clothes without guilt and shame until they lose their taboo and become simply part of who he is.

• Both stop wasting energy on inner wars and start living as whole people again.

  
  

A Tale of Two Marathons

Runner A fights every step. He curses his lungs, resents his legs, berates himself for slowing. By mile 20, he’s exhausted, done.

Runner B feels the same burn. But instead of fighting, he leans in. Breath and stride sync. The pain doesn’t vanish, but it becomes rhythm. He finishes strong.

Life works the same way. Fight your blocks, and you exhaust yourself. Integrate them, and you flow.

The Whole Loaf

Life isn’t about cutting away the messy bits. It’s about kneading them in.

Drinking, gambling, dressing - they aren’t proof you’re broken. They’re proof you’re human. They’re flour on the counter, blisters on the run.

The goal isn’t perfection. The goal is wholeness.

And wholeness comes from integration.

The Invitation

So next time you hit the block — whether it’s the pint, the bet, or the secret in your wardrobe - don’t slam the door.

Open it. Sit with it. Listen.

Because the block you’ve been fighting isn’t your enemy. It’s your teacher. And once you integrate it, you don’t just get past the block. You get free.

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